Posted 27/09/2007:

This was sent to me, I usually don't send these things out but this one is truly different, it really "moved me"

Igor

 An amazing elephant story...  

 In 1986, Dan Harrison (see picture above) was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Dan approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Dan worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Dan stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. 

Dan never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. 

Twenty years later, Dan was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Dan and his son Dan Jr. were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Dan, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Dan couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Dan summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Dan's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.......

Posted by Mark Houston 04/18/07:

Little David was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up fireman, policeman, salesman,etc.

David was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay bar and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out to  the alley with some guy and make love with him for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some colouring, and took little David aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," said David, "He plays for the Toronto Maple Leafs but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids.

Posted by Ian MacPherson 03/24/07:

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he is a Customs officer and that the dog is a "sniffing dog".  "His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."

The plane takes off, and once it has leveled out, the officer says: "Watch this." He tells Sniffer to "search". Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the officer's arm.   The officer says, "Good boy", and he turns to the man and says: "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land."

"Say, that's pretty neat" replies the first man.  Once again, the officer sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to his seat, and this time, he places TWO  paws on the officer's arm.  The officer says, "That man is carrying cocaine,  so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."  "I like it!" says his seat mate.

The officer then told Sniffer to "search" again.  Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to mess all over the place.

The first man is really grossed out by this behavior and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asks the officer   "What's going on?"

The officer nervously replied, "He just found a bomb!"

Posted by Lord Nelson 02/28/07:

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. 

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.

"Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say, I would like it infrequently."

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then, looking over his glasses, he casually asked, 

"Is that one word or two words?"

Posted by Rick McKee 10/04/06: 

As seen in a Utah newspaper this summer:

Post Date: Aug 7th, 2006

Expire Date:  Sep 6th, 2006

$10,000  2006 Suzuki GSXR 1000

Farmington, UT   84025   -   Aug 7, 2006

2006 Suzuki 1000. This bike is perfect!  It has 1000 miles and has had its 500 mile dealer service. (Expensive) It's been adult ridden, all wheels have always been on the ground. I use it as a cruiser/commuter.  I'm selling it because it was purchased without proper consent of a loving wife.

Apparently "do whatever the f*** you want" doesn't mean what I thought. 

Call me, Steve.   (801)867-8292

Posted by Tom MacLeod 05/19/06

Subject: Virus Warning 

There is a dangerous virus being passed electronically, orally and by hand.

This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK).

If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss or anyone else via

any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life

completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take

two good friends to the nearest pub. Purchase the antidote known as

Work-Isolator-Neutralizer-Extractor (WINE). Take the antidote

repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5

friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

Update: After extensive testing it has been concluded that Best-Equivalent-Extractor-Remedy

(BEER) may be substituted for WINE but may require a more generous application.

____________________________________________

Posted by Rick McKee: 05/16/05

Re: Cowboy Lines That Have Been Ruint'

Top Ten Old West Phrases That Will Never Sound the Same After That Damned Gay Cowboy Movie (Brokeback Mountain):

1."I'm gonna pump you fulla lead!"

2."Give me a stiff one, barkeep!"

3."Don't' fret-----I've been in tight spots before."

4."Howdy, pardner."

5."You stay here while I sneak around from behind."

6.Two words: "Saddle Sore?"

7."Hold it right there! Now, move your hand, reeeeal slow-like"

8."Let's mount up!"

9."Nice spread ya got there!"

10."Ride'em cowboy!"

                _______________________________

Posted by Rick McKee: 03/22/06

Top O' the Morning to you!

Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a

dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the

boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly

hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the

amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated

that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without

giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the

entire ocean into Guinness Beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening

crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever

sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle

lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men

considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick

whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he

spoke: "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!

                        ____________________________

The best one I've read yet - On a Response to Telemarketers!! 

The phone rang as I was sitting down to my evening meal, and as I answered it I was greeted with "Is this Karl Brummer?".

Not sounding anything like my name, I asked who is calling.  

The telemarketer said he was with The Rubber Band Powered Freezer Company or something like that.

Then I asked him if he knew Karl personally and why was he calling this number. 

I then said off to the side, "get some pictures of the body at various angles and the blood smears".

I then turned back to the phone and advised the caller that he had entered a murder scene and must stay on the line because we had already traced this call and he would be receiving a summons to testify in this murder case.

I questioned the caller at great length as to his name, address, phone number at home, at work, who he worked for, how he knew the dead guy and could he prove where he had been about one hour before he made this call.

The telemarketer was getting very concerned and his answers were given in a shaky voice.

 I then told him we had located his position and the police were entering the building to take him into custody.

At that point I heard the phone fall and the scurrying of his running away.

My wife asked me as I returned to our table why I had tears streaming down my face and so help me, I couldn't tell her for about fifteen minutes.  My meal was cold, but it was the best meal in a long, long time!

_____________________________

 

Posted by Russ Cooper: 10/26/05

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's  yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
 
A short time later the waitress returns with the  order. "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again  and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke. "The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until, the two enter again.  "The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a  steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says,  "That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.

"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always  be there"

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,  " says the man.

The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

Posted by Ian: 10/22/05

A drunk, who smelled of beer sat down, on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Tell me, Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replied, "My Son, it is caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and a lack of personal hygiene."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be darned," and returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, put his hand gently on the man's arm and apologized. "I'm sorry.... I should not have come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have arthritis, Father," the drunk replied. "I was just reading here that the Pope does."

Posted by Captain Morgan: 09/14/05

By the time the sailor pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. 

"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Navy man assured him. "I'll take it." 

The next morning the sailor came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

 "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.

"Never better." 

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring?" 

"Nope, I shut him up in no time" said the Navy guy. 

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager. 

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the sailor explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and said, 'Goodnight, Beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

------------------------------

An old tug boat captain was sitting on a bench near the wharf when a young man walked up and sat down. The young man had spiked hair and each spike was a different color.... green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.

After a while the young man noticed that the captain was staring at him. "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?

The old captain replied, "Got drunk once and married a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son!"

Posted by Russ Cooper: 07/23/05

A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

"Look!" she said. I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. "And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."

For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

Services will be at Downing funeral home on Monday the 12th, due to the condition of the body; this will be a closed casket service.

Please send your donations to the 'Think before you say things to your wife foundation', Dallas, Texas.

Posted by Ian: 06/27/05

As a result of a near mutiny the overbearing and arrogant captain was forced to see a psychiatrist by order of the commodore.

As soon as the captain became comfortable on the couch, the psychiatrist began the session by asking the captain, "Why don't you start at the beginning?"

The captain said, " Okay. In the beginning I created heaven and the earth......."

-----------------------------

The years had taken their toll on the old sea captain. All those years of hard drinking and life at sea left the old salt with a pot belly sagging butt and a double chin.

Concerned about retirement which was imminent, and wanting to settle down with a pretty wench on land, the sea captain decided to embark on a self improvement program. He went on a diet, exercised and gave up drinking. He lost his gut, firmed up his body and even purchased a toupee; he looked 20 years younger.

During his final voyage his ship came up against a storm and the captain was lost overboard. While the captain was floating in the middle of the ocean he raised his voice to heaven, "God, how could you do this to me on the eve of my retirement ? "

God answered, " To tell you the truth captain, I didn't recognize you!"

Posted by Kait Peters: 05/29/05

Upon reaching 65, old Tom decided to retire. After having him under foot for a few months, his wife became very agitated with him. She suggested he go and do something to occupy himself like join a club or get a hobby.

Old Tom obliged and went out for a couple of hours. When he got home his wife asked about his day and he replied, "Oh, I just went down to the  corner bar and hung out with the guys. And oh yeah, I joined a parachute club."

"What? Are you nuts? You're 65 years old and you're going to start parachuting?"

"Yeah, look I even got a membership card." 

"Old man, you need glasses! This is a membership in a PROSTITUTE CLUB!"

"OH, GREAT! NOW WHAT AM I GONNA DO? I SIGNED UP FOR 5 JUMPS A WEEK!!"

Posted by Kait Peters: 05/12/05

A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack  to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry, but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up, one by one, as they held onto their "wee wees" to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.

Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th grade."

"No, ma'am," he replied. "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the seventh."

Posted by Barb Chaplin: 04/22/05

Why did the chicken cross the road?

George W Bush: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either against us or for us. There is no middle ground here.

Colin Powell: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

Hans Blix: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

Mohammed Aldouri - Iraq Ambassador: The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We do not even have a chicken.

Ralph Nader: The chicken's habitat on the other side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrial greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

Pat Buchanan: To steal the job of a decent, hard-working American.

Rush Limbaugh: I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet that somebody out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars. And when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build a road for chickens to cross.

Martha Stewart: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

Jerry Falwell: Because the chicken was gay --- isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the 'other side.' That's what they call it - the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side."

Dr Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

Ernest Hemingway: To die in the rain. Alone.

Martin Luther King JR: I envision a world where ALLLLLLLLLLLLllllll chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

Grandpa: In my day, we did not ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough

Barbara Walters: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

John Lennon: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in peace.

Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

Karl Marx: It was an historic inevitability.

Ronald  Reagan: What chicken?

Captain Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.

Sigmund Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

Bill Gates: I have just witnessed E-Chicken 2005, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook, and Internet Explorer is an integral part of E-Chicken.

Albert Einstein: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

Bill Clinton: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

Al Gore: I invented the chicken.

John Kerry: I did NOT have an affair with that chicken. Well, maybe she called me chicken, but that was long ago...I think.

John Edwards: That chicken cross MAH road and he in the pan!

Howard Dean: I assure a full investigation into WHY George Bush forced that poor chicken across the road. Most likely, it was a Special Ops soldier disguised as a chicken looking for non-existent WMD. Insert the Dean Scream.

The Bible: And God came down from heaven, and he said unto the chicken THOU SHALT CROSS THE ROAD. And the chicken didst cross the road, and there was much rejoicing.

Colonel Sanders: Did I miss one?

Posted by Ron Peterson: 04/12/05

A plane was taking off from St. John's Airport. After it reached comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom:

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from St. John's to Toronto. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax . . . OH, MY GOD!"

Silence followed. After a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom. "Ladies and gentlemen," he said, "I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A Newfoundlander in coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

Posted by Mark Houston: 04/10/05

A tour bus driver drives down a highway with a bus full of seniors.

One of his passengers, a little old lady taps him on his shoulder and offers a handful of peanuts. Hungry, he thanks her and gobbles down the nuts. After 15 minutes the old girl comes back to the front with another handful of peanuts which he downs as well.

The old lady repeats her trip several more times.so the driver asks her why they don't eat the peanuts themselves. She tells him that's not possible because with old teeth eating nuts is very difficult.

"Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled. Whereupon the old lady answers, "We just love the chocolate around them"

Posted by Ron Peterson: 03/16/05

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out.
 
Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial,  he decided to change careers and become a mechanic. He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
 
When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
 
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result , but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting."
 
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
 
The instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler."

Posted by Ken Schmidt: 03/15/05

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.

"Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us?

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself  !"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes" comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

Posted by Kait Peters: 03/14/05

A married couple were in a terrible accident. The woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was just too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would  have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honour their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," he replied, "I get all  the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

Posted by Barb Chaplin: 01/28/05

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir." The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
 
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
 
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?" The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
 
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
 
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket." The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
 
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??" The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
 
"Only when he's been drinking." 

Posted by Ian: 01/13/05

Two moose hunters from Texas are flown into a remote lake in Alaska. They have a good hunt and both manage to get a large moose. When the plane returns to pick them up, the pilot looks at the animals and says, "This little plane won't lift all of us, the equipment, and both of those animals. You'll have to leave one. We'd never make it over the trees on the take off."

"That's baloney!" says one of the hunters. "Yeah," the other agrees, "you're just chicken. We came out here last year and got two moose and that pilot had some guts! He wasn't afraid to take off!"

"Yeah", said the first hunter, "and his plane wasn't any bigger than yours!"

The pilot got angry, and said, "Hell, if he did it, then I can do it! I can fly as well as anybody!"

They loaded up, taxied at full throttle, and the plane almost made it, but didn't have the lift to clear the trees at the end of the lake. It clipped the tops, then flipped, then broke up, scattering the baggage, animal carcasses, and passengers all through the brush.

Still alive, but hurt and dazed, the pilot sat up, shook his head to clear it, and said, "Where are we?"

One of the hunters rolled out from being thrown into a bush, looked around and said, "I'd say ... About a hundred yards further than last year."

Posted by Lord Nelson: 01/12/05

A man takes his place in the theater, but his seat is too far from the stage. 

He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip."

The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter.

The usher looks at the quarter, leans over and whispers, "The wife did it."